Saturday, October 6, 2012

Where I am right now

Adjectives out of order

Where I am right now. Right now I am in a chair.  Black fake leather, one wheel missing, it is my place of quiet and homework. In front of me is my desk; on my desk is a light, computer and a few books. To my left are my movies and my printer. My room is a haven in a sea of activity, the sounds of feet above me and shouts out my door to pounding music my soundtrack. Obscenities and cheers are heard in equal measure up and down the hall. Normal for a Saturday night, my brothers prepare for the party, sheets in one hand become togas after griping, cursing, and a few safety pins. I can’t help but smirk at the noises, though part of me is jealous. I can’t join them tonight; an early start to the day looms ahead. My bed lies behind me, eagerly waiting to envelop me for a few hours. I do not wish to join it; I would rather be spending the night being a normal college student. Sadly though I am not, rowing is not a normal sport, which requires me to be very unusual. Honestly right now I am having misgivings about what I want. Part of me says rowing, part of me says fraternity. I have done both up till this point, but lately I have been frustrated with the divide. It is an interesting position to be in, to suddenly have doubts about something you have committed thousands of hours towards over the last two years of my collegiate career. It requires much of me, both mentally and physically, to be able to stay committed year round. To be burning out though, that is a different matter. It’s scary in all honesty. I don’t want to feel it, but I can’t help it. It is creeping over me like molten lava, slow, unstoppable, and inescapable. I am at a loss as to what to do. Perhaps I have just been feeling more hedonistic than I have ever before, which I find interesting because up till this point I have never considered myself a hedonistic person. In fact I would typically call myself a selfless person, not to toot my own horn too much. Perhaps that is the heart of the matter. I have been giving and giving and not felt like I have received enough in return to make it worthwhile. Or perhaps I am simply looking for the wrong things.  I am tired, in a way that goes beyond physical boundaries. I am tired in a way that reaches me mentally and, I almost hate to say it, soulfully. Mentally in that I find it difficult to motivate myself and soulfully because I feel taxed beyond reason. I don’t want to stop but I feel like I may have to, or at least take a break. They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, perhaps if I deny myself of it then I will miss it more. We will see.


  1. Your brush strokes are incredibly evocative, particularly the simile about the molten lava. I can practically feel that one. I also feel you on the thing about feeling "taxed beyond reason". Good luck in making your decision.

  2. yeah, that lava one got me going, too, David. Still need to work on participle and appositive phrases, but you got the really hard one: noun absolute.